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Most
of us, though, are still stuck on the “why.” While Johnny never married
Vanessa, it’s hard denying they had a pretty good run, especially by
Tinsel Town standards. I can't say for certain that their split is all because he didn't marry her. Johnny said on multiple
occasions that while the piece of paper didn't matter much to him, he
would’ve married were it important to her.
Were Johnny opposed to marrying, I’d look at their break-up as a sign that not tying the knot was the problem. Had Vanessa nudged him, I think he would’ve
done it. All in all, it’s hard for me to put a finger on whether even
had they been married that they still wouldn’t have parted ways.
One thing seems certain, though, and that is they’ve been done for awhile. According to the reports, Johnny was bored and miserable with Vanessa. If it's true Johnny felt this way, I'm sure Vanessa was none too pleased to have such an unhappy man around her. While these are tabloid reports, it's all that we have to go on until one of them says otherwise in an interview.
Their split has reminded me of a question I'm frequently asked during my coaching sessions: "How do you know when it's over?" I've wondered this myself and asked The Rules author Ellen Fein. Her response? When the man says it is.
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Here was Ellen's logic, though. An insecure woman will get down on her relationship and start to think a man is going to break up with her. But, Ellen taught me that a woman's "relationship eyes" could be broken. Maybe he isn't going to leave at all. It could be in her head.
I used to think that if I broke up with a man before he left me that I'd be saving face. When I told Ellen this, she said, "You can't break-up with him. If you do, you'll call me later and ask 'Ellen, what if I hadn't left him? Maybe I was wrong. Can I call him?'" I realized she was completely right.
Since then I've never been tempted to end a relationship. I much prefer being dumped because then I won't have any regrets. If a man decides to leave me, fine. But, I will never say it first. Plus, once a man breaks up with you, then you know it's really over.
Guess what's happened since I've let these thoughts go? No man has ever discussed breaking up with me. It's embarrassing to say, but my worries about a man leaving were in my head. It was my own dark thoughts and not reality.
When I talk "pedantically" about how much The Rules changed me, it's because I feel little stories like this saved me. Had I kept thinking the way I used to, I would've ruined any shot at a healthy relationship or marriage. I'd be so worried about covering my own rear that I never would've seen anything through to the end -- or maybe there wasn't an end.
Anyway, it's embarrassing I used to think that way. But, it is what it is. If my story helps one woman, then it was worth writing this post.
Tell me what you think! Have you ever wanted to break up with a man first because you thought he was going to break up with you?
Until next time...
Shine like Platinum!
Vanessa
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