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| Credit: C Flanigan/FilmMagic |
Who doesn't love Grammy-winning, multi-planning British singer, Adele? One of my friends saw her most recent concert in San Francisco and said her performance was awe inspiring. His exact words were, "how can she be so good?"
"We're becoming friends again. It's alright, I know what I'm doing. Enough time has gone by." Adele has never identified the man who broke her heart so badly that she penned such devastating songs as "Someone Like You," "Set Fire to the Rain" and "Rolling in the Deep."
"Now with what's going on with the album around the world, it's important to be able to share it with him. He changed my life. The album helped me get over splitting up with my boyfriend. It helped me forgive and I hope that he has forgiven himself. I'm not boastful, but selling 10 million albums for a little girl from Tottenham, I'm very proud of that."
My consults know that I became a die-hard Rules girl after a breakup that blew my heart to smithereens. I can identify with Adele. On one hand, it's a heartache so bad you want to die. On the other, it's life-changing and you end up thankful it happened because you come out of it so much wiser. Now, if you're really smart, you'll find a way to profit from it. Adele took her pain and made an album. I took my pain and became a dating coach and wrote a book.
Here's where she and I differ, though. Seven years later, I have no interest in befriending the man who broke my heart, finding out whether he's happy, sad, alive, dead, none of it. It's not out of anger, but sometimes there is heartache so bad that it parallels grief. You don't get over grief. You find a way to carry it with you and wear it like a scarred badge of honor. I have no interest in revisiting that time in my life or the awful feelings attendant with that relationship. It's self-preservation. Doing anything contrary would make me a glutton for punishment and that's just...ewww.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider know women go through this pain which is why they advise in The Rules to not be friends with an ex. There will most likely be feelings which will create an ulterior motive. In other words, you're staying friends hoping that some day you will get back together. What typically happens, though, is the woman ends up hurt because even as a friend, the man still doesn't want her.
My advice to Adele -- don't kid yourself. You're putting yourself on the path to get hurt. Who cares about sharing your success with him? Let him read it in the news. If he hurt you this badly, you owe him nothing. She could say "Vanessa, you don't understand, it's different because of x, y, and z." No matter what variables might comprise "x, y, and z," if any of them entail him not wanting her anymore, staying friends is not a good idea.
Some might argue that her music is so great because of her heartache. This is true. But at what cost would her fans want her to continue being an artist? Certainly not at the expense of her heart.
Shine like Platinum!
Vanessa |
| Credit: Steve Granitz/WireImage.com |
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